Sexy Intimacy

Aging brings with it the slow process of making adjustments. We may walk more slowly, eat differently, include naps in our daily rituals and for some sex may seem to be a thing of the past. That may make your children more comfortable but if sex has been an important part of your relationship there’s no need for it to vanish. There are lots of reasons why one’s interest or ability to have sex may falter. Perhaps one or both partners have little interest or the medications taken on a daily basis interfere with some of the essential components of arousal. Maybe prostate cancer surgery has resulted in erectile dysfunction or changes in hormone levels at menopause cause dryness and, therefore, pain. One partner may have had a heart attack and be fearful of another. Whatever issues exist, anxiety can make it all worse.

If you and your partner still have a close, loving relationship and intimacy is desired, it doesn’t have to be excluded simply because of age but it may require an adjustment. As men reach the age of 30 testosterone levels are lowered by roughly 1% per year. The production of testosterone in women also declines with age, beginning after it hits a peak in the 20’s but can continue at higher levels than estrogen. On the other hand, low levels of estrogen in women can result in headaches, insomnia, bone loss and vaginal dryness, none of which are going to make a woman feel particularly sexy.

So what can be done about this?

• Start with communication and the earlier the better
• Don’t be shy – talk about where it hurts and what isn’t working
• Google is your friend so do some research but stop short of self-diagnosis and self-medicating
• See your family doctor for a thorough physical and, again, don’t be shy about discussing your concerns
• Make sure you take a complete medicine checklist with you – if you don’t have one, we have a template in The Oldish Toolkit but you need to create a password protected membership to safeguard your personal information (Hint: it’s worth it)

Let’s stop here for a minute. Family doctors are just like you and me. Some of them are comfortable talking about sexuality while others aren’t. If you have a doctor who has a good comfort level, great! If not, you may end up with a diagnosis that goes something like this: “Yes, well, you’re getting older so you can’t expect sex to be possible forever.” With all due respect to the doctors of this world, this is not a diagnosis, this is their inability to deal with your problem. Sure, they get you out and on your way but you still have this problem. Time to advocate for yourself. Request a referral to a doctor who specializes in sexual medicine. Many hospitals, universities and cities have centers for sexual medicine, Boston, Stanford, Philadelphia and Vancouver Coastal Health to name a few. If you suspect your issues are more psychological in nature, a referral to a sex therapist may be in order.

While you wait for doctor’s appointments, don’t forget about romance and intimacy. When you were 20, sex may have meant intercourse and 10 minutes, if that. Now that you’re in your 70’s or 80’s sex can mean more time needed for stimulation to achieve an erection and orgasm so rather than thinking of that as a bad thing, think of it in a positive light and work the extra time to your advantage. Sex starts in the brain so forget about the goal being intercourse and focus instead on creating the environment for intimacy. Reframe and expand your definition of sex. Let your partner know that you’re still interested in them. Date nights, sharing a bottle of wine and discussing your day, preparing a meal together or holding hands on a walk after supper. Flirt a little. Enjoying a long, hot bath together, relaxing and reminiscing can stir up feelings and wonderful memories. Touching, kissing and cuddling can be such intimate, satisfying actions.

It’s not so much taking intercourse off of the table as it is elevating the importance of all forms of intimacy in your relationship so that some actions or combination of activities have the potential to let you enjoy each other. If intercourse happens and it’s good for both of you, fantastic, but take the pressure off of yourself and each other.

Once you get an appointment with a specialist there may well be tests that may indicate the need for an imbalance to be corrected or existing medications to be adjusted. Therapy may give partners a chance to deal with fears and calm anxieties. Whatever the process and the outcomes, working at a relationship is always more valuable than letting things fester, never knowing what might have been.