Letter to Kris Jenner From a Fellow Sexagenarian

Congrats on turning 60. That two million dollar Great Gatsby themed soiree held to mark the occasion in West Hollywood at the end of last year was certainly one hell of a way to herald in your seventh decade and an excellent way to divert your attention from the sobering matter at hand — you have just turned 60. You are officially beyond middle aged and just five years off being referred to a senior citizen.

Here’s what I have learned so far at the age of 63: A lot of people will try to cheer you up by insisting that 60 is the new 50 or even the new 40. They’re lying — 60 is well, 60. You will see what I mean if you stand next to an equally well maintained woman who has just turned 50. Despite the fact that as a Kardashian matriarch, you’re beautiful and sexy, you won’t look like twins. You’ll look 10 years older — even if you are wrinkle free. It’s nothing you can really put your finger on but the ageing process can be sensed now in many subtle but different ways including your skin texture and just the way that you hold yourself.

Another thing, those grey roots — which may once have been the bane of your life — are going to disappear completely soon. They’ll be turning white, unless you have incredible genetics. Your hairdresser might even recommend that you forget about your trademark jet-black hair and fall in love with caramel highlights, they’re kinder to your face. You can also get away with a longer time between each colour session.

About that fountain of youth, no matter how much you drink from it now, it’s never going to work its magic. You can certainly maintain your age with the help of Botox and fillers plus a nutritious diet and lots of exercise but don’t bother going in for surgery again as no sooner will one area be fixed when somewhere else will need attention. Besides at our age, it’s better not to risk it by going under a general anaesthetic. (I’m all for medical research though and, believe me, if someone comes up with a way of fixing a turkey neck without surgery, they’re going to make a small fortune.)

Here’s something else you should forget about — hormone replacement therapy of any kind. It’s no good to put chemicals in your body now that you are post-menopause. There are lots of different ways to keep your heart strong. Nature intended that women of our age should calmly take stock of our lives without all those fake hormones in our body telling us to keep running after men. Your partner should be someone who will nourish you intellectually and keep a more sedate pace with you. At 33, your man, Corey Gamble, is nearly half your age but maybe he is one-in-a-million and you won’t have to go clubbing with him until the early hours of the morning. I hope so for your sake. This is also the time to channel some of your wisdom and energy in to new creative projects, to keep travelling and learn more about the world, to seek to grow on the inside.

Please knock-off the booze. It looks like you missed some of your extravagant party because you left seemingly comatose in the back of a limo. (Corey Gamble had to try and cover up your face so the paps wouldn’t snap you but alas, he didn’t succeed). Life now is about staying in the moment, which you can’t do if you are trashed. Besides drinking alcohol is going to make you feel tired and you will lose energy. You want to enjoy your remaining time on this earth by being present for all of it.

Time to stop borrowing your daughters’ clothes, well at least the minis, thigh-high boots and all that tight black leather. It’s ageing and it doesn’t make you look elegant and worldly. You can still be a style icon like Helen Mirren with interesting fashion choices and you can even wear a bikini but make sure it enhances your figure and upholds your image as someone who has achieved much in this world. You should look like a goddess and not someone desperately chasing youth.

But it’s not all bad news, reaching your 60s is a milestone and one that ushers in a new freedom because now you have the confidence to do whatever you like and with the kids all having left home now you can create your own space and revel in it. You are no longer trying to be successful because you have already created a glittering empire as a momager and your daughter, Kim, is one of the most photographed women in the world. You’ve made several small fortunes.

You have really been through everything including the death of one husband, Robert Kardashian, and the other, Caitlyn Jenner, deciding to live life as a woman.

With your experience, you could write the sort of self-help guide, which could become the new bible for every woman. And yes, Kris Jenner, at 60 you should also be very proud of yourself because above everything else, you are a survivor.

Ros Reines is an Australian author with two published novels – Gossip (Penguin 2005) and The Social Diary (2015). She is currently working on a sequel to The Social Diary. Ros has been writing about celebrity since 1979 and has also covered nearly every other aspect of journalism – from politics to travel.  She loves watching The Kardashians and is not sure why.